A snail is at the police station. He's telling the officer on duty about how he was just mugged and robbed.
"It was these two turtles!", the snail sobs. "They beat me up and took my money!
"The officer asks, "Did you get a good look at them?"
The snail says, "No! It all happened so fast!"

A man is watching TV when he hears a knock at the door, but when he answers there is no one there. Just as he's about to close the door, he hears a small voice say, "Excuse me sir, could I interest you in a set of encyclopaedias?" He looks down and sees a snail on his doorstep. Angered at being dragged away from television program by a snail selling encyclopaedias, he kicks the poor snail off his front steps and into the garden, before returning inside. Six months later, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door to find the snail, who asks, "What did you do that for?!"

A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The man says, “I’m a snail."
The host says, "And who's that on your back?"
And the man says, "That's Michelle!"

A couple were entertaining and decided to serve snails. The husband went out to get some. It was a nice day and after he'd got the snails he decided to pop into his local pub for a drink. Realising how much time had passed in the pub, he grabbed his coat and snails and ran home knowing that his wife would be wondering where he'd got to. As he charged through the garden gate he tripped and dropped the snails all over the path. His wife heard the commotion and went to see what was going on. On seeing her husband she asked, "Where have you been?" He looked back at the snails and gestured towards the front door, "Come on lads, nearly there!"

A man goes out to check his mail and notices that everything has holes eaten in it. The following day the same thing happens, so early the next morning he hides behind a bush and waits for the postman to arrive. After the postman has been he sees a snail about to crawl into his mailbox. He races over and grabs the snail and yells at him, "Snails are supposed to eat lett-UCE you idiot!!"

Two public servants had just finished work for the day when one of them stepped on a snail.
"Why did you do that?!" asked his perplexed co-worker.
"Because that snail has been following me around all day!"

What did the slug say to the snail?
Buy a “Big Issue”, sir?

What does a snail say when he rides a turtle?
Wheeeeee!!!

What is a slug?
A snail with a housing problem.

Why did the snail cross the road?
I don't know but I'll let you know when it gets here.

Where do you find Giant snails?
On the end of Giant's fingers!