Old Has Its Advantages

• No more face lifts and tummy-tucks...just have somebody pull a handful, wad it all in a bunch behind your back, and tie it off.

• Forget driving...at 100+ you've been everywhere, anyway.

• At 100, you can insult whoever you want because nobody wants to yell at your for fear they'll give you a heart attack. Never do this with your nurses, however...

• Pretend you can't hear and make your visitors scream at the top of their lungs as they describe the weather outside. Watch for others' reactions.

• Make blatantly obscene come-ons to younger members of the opposite sex...they'll just smile awkwardly and dismiss it as senility anyway.

• Describe your sponge bath in perfect detail and watch for reactions.

• When the art teacher tries to make "dough-art" crafts with you, immediately consume the dough.

• Remember, the food on the tray next to you is just as good - if not better - than your own.

• Nurses' lounges are known for the best lunches and snacks in town. Approach with stealth during bath and recreation time. Forget about napkins...especially with the BBQ rib dinners.

• Mumble unintelligible ramblings and stare into space. When the activities director hands you a crayola and paper, write this on it: "get me some cake". It usually works the first time only.

• Always go to the activities classes...especially if you like cookies and bananas. Remember: a full glass of punch, well placed in elbow's reach, can bring excitement to any dull gathering.

• Watch the faces of visitors who have to push the wheelchair of a person with a catheter bag...especially when they accidently kick the bag!

• For the young and young-at-heart:...find a convalescent hospital in your area. There will be at LEAST one person who has no family, no friends, no visitors. A visit for even 15 minutes a week will bring a spot of daylight in a very dark, dismal world.