FunnyValley

Student Joke : Mathematic Joke

2012-01-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

Kid: My teacher has gone crazy Mom.

Mother: Why do you think so?

Kid: Yesterday he said that 3 times 4 is 12.

Today he is saying that 12 is 6 times 2.

How to Catch Burglars

2011-12-22T16:35:00.000-08:00

It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.

He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.

Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.

"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."

Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.

One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"

"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.

Signs When Santa Claus Is A Women

2011-12-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!

Electric Train

2011-11-26T10:07:00.000-08:00

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Barber and Mexican

2011-11-18T00:27:00.000-08:00

One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he goes to pay the barber..."I'm sorry I cannot accept the money from you. I'm doing community service."
The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and one dozen roses waiting at his door.

A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut, but the barber replies "I'm sorry but I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and one dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Mexican cook goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But again the barber replies "I'm sorry I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service."
The Mexican cook is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds?...........

a dozen Mexicans waiting for a free haircut!!!!

Worry Mother

2011-11-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

The mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh: "Mum, you don't have to worry about! I'm dating Susan!"

Don't Forget Bring Spare Panties

2011-10-25T15:13:00.000-07:00

Awesome People

2011-10-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

Weird and Sexy Tattoos

2011-10-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

Zombie Tattoo

Tongue Tattoo

Leg Tattoo

Face & Body Tattoo

Breast Tattoo

Whole Body Tattoo

Leopard Tattoo

A Lawyer in the Family

2011-10-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a ------- in the family than a lawyer.

The Most Creative Bras - Angry Bird

2011-09-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

Angry Birds Bra

Baby Bra

Child Bra

Crab Bra

Pipe Bra

Fur Bra

Hand Bra

Sportlight Bra

Illusion Bra

Justice Bra

Talk Bra

TV Bra

Symptoms Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

2011-09-15T11:46:00.000-07:00

Symptoms Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes

A Driver ?

2011-09-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

What's the first thing that come to your mind when you see a Chinese man driving a BMW 3 series?
A pimp

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Malay man driving a BMW 3 series?
Ahmad

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see an Indian man driving a BMW 3 series?
A car jockey

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Bhai driving a BMW 3 series?
A car repository.

Sex While Driving

2011-08-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

2011-08-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

A snail is at the police station. He's telling the officer on duty about how he was just mugged and robbed.
"It was these two turtles!", the snail sobs. "They beat me up and took my money!
"The officer asks, "Did you get a good look at them?"
The snail says, "No! It all happened so fast!"

A man is watching TV when he hears a knock at the door, but when he answers there is no one there. Just as he's about to close the door, he hears a small voice say, "Excuse me sir, could I interest you in a set of encyclopaedias?" He looks down and sees a snail on his doorstep. Angered at being dragged away from television program by a snail selling encyclopaedias, he kicks the poor snail off his front steps and into the garden, before returning inside. Six months later, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door to find the snail, who asks, "What did you do that for?!"

A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The man says, “I’m a snail."
The host says, "And who's that on your back?"
And the man says, "That's Michelle!"

A couple were entertaining and decided to serve snails. The husband went out to get some. It was a nice day and after he'd got the snails he decided to pop into his local pub for a drink. Realising how much time had passed in the pub, he grabbed his coat and snails and ran home knowing that his wife would be wondering where he'd got to. As he charged through the garden gate he tripped and dropped the snails all over the path. His wife heard the commotion and went to see what was going on. On seeing her husband she asked, "Where have you been?" He looked back at the snails and gestured towards the front door, "Come on lads, nearly there!"

A man goes out to check his mail and notices that everything has holes eaten in it. The following day the same thing happens, so early the next morning he hides behind a bush and waits for the postman to arrive. After the postman has been he sees a snail about to crawl into his mailbox. He races over and grabs the snail and yells at him, "Snails are supposed to eat lett-UCE you idiot!!"

Two public servants had just finished work for the day when one of them stepped on a snail.
"Why did you do that?!" asked his perplexed co-worker.
"Because that snail has been following me around all day!"

What did the slug say to the snail?
Buy a “Big Issue”, sir?

What does a snail say when he rides a turtle?
Wheeeeee!!!

What is a slug?
A snail with a housing problem.

Why did the snail cross the road?
I don't know but I'll let you know when it gets here.

Where do you find Giant snails?
On the end of Giant's fingers!

Dog and Helium

2011-08-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

Suicide Blonde In The Hospital

2011-07-25T23:06:00.000-07:00

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor.

"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Source : Wowecards

Classes for Men

2011-07-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2
hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.


3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


6. Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.


7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


8. Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.


9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

How To Enhance Your Breast Without Exercise & Naturally

2011-07-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.

The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."

So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

Viagra Best Commercial

2011-06-23T17:15:00.000-07:00

Viagra Joke

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor's office.

She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes off the table, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right then and there on the table."

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah..." she says, "that's okay. We wouldn't go back to that restaurant anyway."

Bad Breath Mistake

2011-06-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

Your breath is so bad... when you talk your teeth duck.

Joke For Women : "It's a guy thing"

2011-06-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

"It's a guy thing"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"Can I help with dinner?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"I'm going fishing"

Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Uh huh, sure honey," or, "Yes, dear."

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain"

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest."

"I was listening to you. It's just . . . I have lots of things on my mind."

Translated: "Is that woman over there wearing a bra?"

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard".

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"You know how bad my memory is."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I've ever owned, I just forgot your birthday."

"I dunno . . . i was just thinking about you, and I got you these roses. . ."

Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"I've got my reasons for what I'm doing".

Translated: ". . . and I sure hope I think of some soon."

"I can't find it."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my out stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."

Translated: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find out."

"You know I could never love anyone else."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and I realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."

Translated: "Oh God, please don't try on MORE clothes."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again.

Courtesy from :E-joke

Doctor Jokes : Three Nurses

2011-05-31T21:29:00.000-07:00

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. (Best Doctor Jokes Ever)

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"(The doctor's book humor)

Family Trip

2011-05-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked a little boy about his family trip.

"We visited my grandmother in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," he replied.

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

The student, obviously flustered, thought a moment and then said, "Actually, we went to Ohio." Aaron-Joke

Funny Game : Goodgame Mafia

2011-05-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

Goodgame Mafia

Liver and cheese

2011-05-20T18:29:00.000-07:00

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine. ExtremeFunnyJoke

The Power Of Make-up

2011-05-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

Funny Quotes : Beautiful - Good - Ugly

2011-05-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

“It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.”
Thanks - thinkexist

Read more :Ugly People Vs The Beautiful People
Beautiful Words Vs. Ugly Words

Funny Sport Bloopers

2011-04-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

Funny Sport Bloopers - The best home videos are here

Clean Joke : Survival Tips

2011-04-20T23:30:00.000-07:00

Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.

Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower.

When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for your own good," expect the worst.

The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.

When a politician says, "let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually won't.

You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.

Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.

God is watching

2011-04-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.basicjoke

Finding Memo vs Found Memo

2011-04-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

2011-03-09T23:08:00.000-08:00

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." FunnyandJokes

Problem with Jeggings

2011-03-02T16:33:00.000-08:00

Octopus Lovers Story

2011-02-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

octopus lovers fight back!! brought to you by Funny Videos

The Most Luck Man In the world

2011-02-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

The Most Luck Man In the world, See below video,

Trainspotter Nearly Clipped by Train - Watch more Funny Videos

Note : Very Luck Man is Here

Are you Email Junkie ?

2011-02-01T22:00:00.000-08:00

You wake up at 3 am to go the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane ride with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 33.6 baud modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

After reading this message, you immediately email it to a friend.

Childrean Jokes : Timmy's Cupcakes

2011-01-23T08:30:00.000-08:00

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for christmas dinner and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. And he took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes. "Timmy these are so good."

As he finished one and took another he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer.

His nephew replied, "I licked them."

Gabriel Iglesias - Drinking and Driving

2011-01-15T02:59:00.000-08:00

The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.

In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."

In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.

In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.

In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.

In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.

In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.

From the August Road & Track.

New Year Prayer 2011

2011-01-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2007: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2009: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2010: I will work out 3 days a week.

2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

How Chinese Build Hotel in 6 Days?

2010-12-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

A construction crew in the south-central Chinese city of Changsha has completed a 15-story hotel in just six days.

Six days. That’s how long it took to build this level 9 Earthquake-resistant, sound-proofed, thermal-insulated 15-story hotel in Changsha, complete with everything, from the cabling to three-pane windows. The foundations were already built, but it’s just impressive.

Despite the frenetic pace of construction, no workers were injured — and thanks to the prefab nature of the process, the builders wasted very few construction materials.

Below is a time-lapse video that shows the hotel being built from the ground up in less than a week.

See Video Below

Sophicated Earphone !

2010-12-21T10:08:00.000-08:00

A Earphones Jokes

A blonde walks into a hairdressers and say i want my haircut. the hairdresser says not until u take thoses earphones out, so the next day she dyes her hair and comes back in and says can i get my haircut now and the hairdressers say NOT UNTIL U TAKE THOSE EARPHONES OUT,

so the next day she dyes her hair brown and comes in the next day and says well can i now so the hairdresser got so sickened he pulled out the earhones and as he was nearly finish he noticeed the blonde wasnt breathing and then he listened to the earphone and it sayed "breathe in breathe out" Source : JokeBuddha

Types of Girlfriends

2010-12-13T07:49:00.000-08:00

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing drag-arse no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you. Source: Joke Archives

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

2010-11-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

Source : BasicJoke

Sexy Bikini Girl Jumping `Belly Flop'

2010-11-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

Did you understand me?

2010-11-03T17:46:00.000-07:00

Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.

When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"

The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"

When Girl Orgasm on Bike

2010-10-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

Fucking & Orgasm Car Alarm

2010-10-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

The ghost of steel PRANK

2010-10-29T19:03:00.000-07:00

Source : http://funnyjunk.com

Here some ghost Joke ..

Q: What's a monster's favorite play?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet
Q: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A: Because he was in need of a light snack
Q: What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A: Ghost-Toasties
Q: Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A: Because everyone was a goblin!
Q: Do monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: NO, they eat the fingers separately.
Q: What do you do with a green monster?
A: Wait until it ripens.
Q: What is a monster's favorite food?
A: Ghoul scout cookies.
Q: What's a monsters favorite bean?
A: A human bean.
Q: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
A: Replace the nails with screws.
Q: What type of monster really loves dance music?
A: The boogieman!
Q: What is a monster's favorite food?
A: Ghoul scout cookies.
Q: What position does a monster play on the soccer team?
A: Ghoulie.
Q: What kind of hot dogs do monsters like best?
A: Hallowieners.
Q: What's the name of the book of socially prominent monsters?
A: The Book of who's Boo.
Q: Why are monsters forgetful ?
A: Because everything goes in one ear and out the others !
Q: Why did the monster knit herself three socks ?
A: Because she grew another foot !
Q: What is the difference between a huge smelly monster and a sweet ?
A: People like sweets !
Q: What has a purple spotted body, ten hairy legs and big eyes on stalks?
A: I don't know either but there is one crawling up your leg !
Q: What do you say when you meet a two headed monster ?
A: Hello, hello !
Q: What is the best way to speak to a monster ?
A: From a long way away !
Q: What is big, red and prickly, has three eyes and eats rocks ?
A: A big, red, prickly three eyed rock eater !
Q: What kind of monster has the best hearing ?
A: The eeriest !
Q: How you can tell if you have had a monster in your fridge ?
A: It leaves footprints in the butter !
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: Why are monsters covered in wrinkles?
A: Have you ever tried to iron a monster !
Q: Why are monsters green ?
A: Because they didn't take their travel sickness pills !
Q: Why do monsters wear glasses ?
A: So they don't bump into other monsters !
Q: What do you get if a huge hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin ?
A: Flatman and Ribbon !
Q: What time is it when a monster sits on your car ?
A: Time to get a new one !
Q: What game do monsters play with ants ?
A: Squash !
Q: Did you hear about the monster who had eight arms ?
A: He said they came in handy !
Q: How do you keep an ugly monster in suspense ?
A: I'll tell you tomorrow !
Q: How do you greet a three headed monster ?
A: Hello, hello, hello !
Q: What is a sea monster's favourite dish ?
A: Fish and ships !
Q: Monster: Where do fleas go in winter ?
A: Werewolf: Search me !
Q: Why are monsters forgetful ?
A: Because everything goes in one ear and out the others !
Q: Why did the monster knit herself three socks ?
A: Because she grew another foot !
Q: What is the difference between a huge smelly monster and a sweet ?
A: People like sweets !
Q: What has a purple spotted body, ten hairy legs and big eyes on stalks?
A: i don't know either but there is one crawling up your leg !
Q: What do you say when you meet a two headed monster ?
A: Hello hello !
Q: What is the best way to speak to a monster ?
A: From a long way away !
Q: What is big, red and prickly, has three eyes and eats rocks ?
A: A big, red, prickly three eyed rock eater !
Q: Why are monsters green ?
A: Because they didn't take their travel sickness pills !
Q: Why do monsters wear glasses ?
A: So they don't bump into other monsters !
Q: What kind of monster has the best hearing ?
A: The eeriest !
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
A: I don't know, but it's great at chasing submarines.
Q: What did the grandfather monster say to his grandson when they hadn't seen each other for quite awhile?
A: You gruesome. Source http://www.trueghosttales.com

Who to Marry ?

2010-10-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

- JokeWarehouse

UFO Jokes - Unleaded Fuel Only

2010-10-15T11:40:00.000-07:00

Source : BBC

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years.

Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'" http://www.jackassjokes.com

Naughty Jokes ...

2010-10-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!" Thanks : http://www.lotsofjokes.com

Tiger Woods Walk on Water

2010-10-02T03:57:00.000-07:00

All Nurses Go To Heaven

2010-09-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it

furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven
... for five days!"

I Need A Raise and A Promotion !!

2010-09-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

has to work hard;

has to work at great depths;

has to work upside down;

has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;

has to work in a high humidity environment;

has to work at high temperatures;

does not get weekends and holidays off;

does not get time off after extra hours of work;

has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

does not work 8 hours in a row;

does not answer immediately to all requests;

does not have a degree;

after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;

shows no fidelity to the workplace;

retires too early;

does not work at all unless pushed from behind;

does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

Messing With People In A Public Restroom

2010-09-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

TOP 20 WAYS TO ANNOY A PUBLIC RESTROOM STALLMATE:

1.Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

2.Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”

3.Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4.Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"

5.Drop a marble and say, "Oh sh*t, my glass eye!!"

6. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that color before,. . ."

7.Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8.Say, “Now, how did that get there?”

9.Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10.Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”

11.Say, "Interesting,. . . more floaters than sinkers."

12.Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”

13.Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14.Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze theballoon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15.Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!!"

16.Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

17.Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18.Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your,
“Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19.Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

Car Show Jokes

2010-08-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this." So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red.

The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "I get it! But like I told already, you my mother drives like this all the time!" Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?" The driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"

Source : Youtube, BestCarJoke

Old Has Its Advantages

2010-08-24T22:47:00.001-07:00

No more face lifts and tummy-tucks...just have somebody pull a handful, wad it all in a bunch behind your back, and tie it off.

Forget driving...at 100+ you've been everywhere, anyway.

At 100, you can insult whoever you want because nobody wants to yell at your for fear they'll give you a heart attack. Never do this with your nurses, however...

Pretend you can't hear and make your visitors scream at the top of their lungs as they describe the weather outside. Watch for others' reactions.

Make blatantly obscene come-ons to younger members of the opposite sex...they'll just smile awkwardly and dismiss it as senility anyway.

Describe your sponge bath in perfect detail and watch for reactions.

When the art teacher tries to make "dough-art" crafts with you, immediately consume the dough.

Remember, the food on the tray next to you is just as good - if not better - than your own.

Nurses' lounges are known for the best lunches and snacks in town. Approach with stealth during bath and recreation time. Forget about napkins...especially with the BBQ rib dinners.

Mumble unintelligible ramblings and stare into space. When the activities director hands you a crayola and paper, write this on it: "get me some cake". It usually works the first time only.

Always go to the activities classes...especially if you like cookies and bananas. Remember: a full glass of punch, well placed in elbow's reach, can bring excitement to any dull gathering.

Watch the faces of visitors who have to push the wheelchair of a person with a catheter bag...especially when they accidently kick the bag!

For the young and young-at-heart:...find a convalescent hospital in your area. There will be at LEAST one person who has no family, no friends, no visitors. A visit for even 15 minutes a week will bring a spot of daylight in a very dark, dismal world.

Love joke : A Bad Luck

2010-08-16T16:52:00.000-07:00

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Zoo Work

2010-08-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Bored ? Look the video attachment,

Psychology Experiment

2010-08-05T03:12:00.000-07:00

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean? $300?".

Dog In Heat

2010-07-28T01:31:00.000-07:00

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

How To Trick People ?

2010-07-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

Another Trick : card

Facebook Joke

2010-07-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

A guy on your Facebook friends list that you add as your boyfriend. Usually a joke put up by a single girl (or single guy). It makes one look like he/she is socially competent enough to actually get a steady man.

Marc is my Facebook boyfriend even though I only view him as a friend, and he is probably sleeping with 12 other girls and is also possibly gay. What a douche. But oh well - at least my parents won't try to force me into an arranged marriage now.

Thanks : Urban Dictionary

Cirousity Never Gets Old & Dead End

2010-06-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks : Joke Gallery

Fishing Joke

2010-06-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, 'Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?'

'Why do you want me to throw them at you?' Asked the salesman?' So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them.' said Alex.

'Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.' Why's that? 'Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That's what she'd like for supper tonight.' replied the fishmonger with a grin.

Source : Guy-Spot

See World's Best Fishing Jokes (World's Best Joke Series

The Bathroom Door is Closed.

2010-06-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

The Bathroom Door is Closed.

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling, "She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now.

Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

From your loved Mum

The Call...

2010-06-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

Conversation between a CSR at a Mobile Company in Caribbean
Agent: (pleasantly) Good-day, how may I assist?
Customer: (in heavy dialect) Morning Ma'am, I have a problem, can you help me?
Agent: Sure, delighted to assist; please let me know how I can help.
Customer: Ma'am, I was cooking a big pot of Red Pea Soup and I had my cell phone in my bosom (in bra) and I realized that it not in my bosom anymore so I started to look for the phone Ma'am then I think back and the last I had it was over the pot... (pause from customer)
Agent: Hello? Please do continue, what happened?
Customer: Yes, the peas in the pot was pressuring Ma'am, so I took the pot off the stove Ma'am and I took me long spoon and started stirring the pot to ensure the peas ok and I realize that the phone was pressuring into the pot for 30 minutes. Now I don’t know what to do, please tell me how you can help me.
Agent: Well the phone may be water damaged, I'm not sure if it will still work my dear, since it was in the pot pressuring for 30 minutes you may need to take to the repair centre, which will be……
Customer: (interjects) Ma'am, don’t care 'bout the phone, that can pass. Is the Red Pea Soup still good to eat? Don't have any more time to cook a pot of soup again. Ma'am, do please tell me the soup not spoiled...it can still 'eat'?
Agent: (long pause…mutes the call...dying of laughter) I’m not sure, perhaps you may confirm with a doctor if it still healthy to eat??
Customer: I eat it, it taste even sweeter so I will try my luck! Take care, have a good day Ma'am, thanks.
Agent: Sure, you too! Have a good day.

Source : PhonePhunnies

The World’s Funniest Real Ads

2010-05-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

P/s : these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world

Who You Gonna Call?

2010-05-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

p/s : What the joke ??

More joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

The Rules Of Indoor Badminton

2010-05-11T08:08:00.000-07:00

1) In order to score a player must land his cock in his opponent’s court.

2) Players may only handle their cock before serving or after scoring.

3) If a player does not get their cock into his opponent’s court for any reason then he does not score and cannot try again until he has service again.

4) Damaged cocks should not be used as this can cause irritation to the court surface.

5) Rubber covers are advised for safety as they are about 99% less likely to damage the court.

6) Courts with warn or damaged patches should not be used for at least two weeks.

7) If while playing the cock lands out of the court the players should clean up and carry on with the game unless they are too tired.
The type of cock and size of court should not affect players enjoyment of the game.

9) Large courts are not advisable for play as generally they have been overused in the past.

10) If the opponent is not ready to receive a service for any reason, play should be suspended.

11) To aid play, the players should keep an eye on their cock and the court at all times.

12) To increase service length, the server can use a different type of raquet, this is more likely to stimulate interesting play.

13) If the game does not envolve mixed singles then the area of play should be changed.

14) Always remember if you serve too high your cock may get stuck in the lights!

More joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

Unique Tables

2010-05-06T02:52:00.000-07:00

Bicycle Table

Skull Table

Golf Table

Human Table

Interactive Table

Silver Table

Post-It Table

PacMan Table

Sumo Table

Want a day off work?

2010-05-05T23:23:00.000-07:00

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Many office jokes below,

See more joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com
Source : AhaJoke

Weight Crash

2010-05-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

Funny - A funny movie is a click away

p/s : Be careful where you parking !!

See more joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

Girls are like phones.

2010-04-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

See more joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

Suicide Blonde Goes To The Hospital!

2010-04-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor.
"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." Thanks : FunnyStories

See more joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

H1N1 Jokes And Funny Song .

2010-04-04T02:19:00.000-07:00

Man: I'm having a slight fever, and cough.
Lady: Aiyor, stay away from me. I don't want to die so fast.
Man: It's okay. The one thing that won't kill you will only make you tougher.
Lady: Still,I don't want to get sick.
Man: Well... only the fittest will survive.
Lady: ..... you win already lor.

Man: I wish to be SUSPECTED for H1N1
Lady: Crazy a!
Man: If I'm suspected, i can get 7 days off work ler.
Lady: ......

Dont forget to see this video,

See more joke at The Greatest Joke Book Ever and Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever , Joke Book

Thanks : JokeJam

See more joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

Caught Short - Romantic Jokes

2010-03-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

A girl takes her new boyfriend back home after the dance. She tells him to be very, very quiet as her parent are asleep upstairs and if they wake up, she would be in big trouble as she's not allowed to bring boys home.

They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while, he stops and says, "Where's the toilet, I need to go".

She says, "Its next to my parent's bedroom. You can't go there, you might wake them up. Use the sink in the kitchen instead."

He goes into the kitchen then, after a short while, he pops his head round the door and says to his girlfriend, "HAVE YOU GOT ANY PAPER?"

See more joke at The Greatest Joke Book Ever and Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever , Joke Book

Thanks : JokeJam

See more joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

Extra Effort

2010-03-13T10:49:00.000-08:00

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM.

I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond.

The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.

She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

See more joke at The Greatest Joke Book Ever and Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever , Joke Book

Thanks : JokeJam

See more joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

Animal In Love

2010-03-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

See more below

Real Human Puppet Show

2010-03-03T21:36:00.000-08:00

See more : http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

Buys Condom

2010-02-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

See more joke here

See more : http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

Speed Limit

2010-02-22T22:30:00.000-08:00

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

See more joke at The Greatest Joke Book Ever & Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever , Joke Book

See more joke at http://funnyvalley.blogspot.com

FunnyValley

Student Joke : Mathematic Joke

How to Catch Burglars

Signs When Santa Claus Is A Women

Electric Train

Barber and Mexican

One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he goes to pay the barber..."I'm sorry I cannot accept the money from you. I'm doing community service."The florist is happy and leaves the shop.

Worry Mother

Don't Forget Bring Spare Panties

Awesome People

Weird and Sexy Tattoos

A Lawyer in the Family

The Most Creative Bras - Angry Bird

Symptoms Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

A Driver ?

Sex While Driving

Dog and Helium

Suicide Blonde In The Hospital

Classes for Men

How To Enhance Your Breast Without Exercise & Naturally

Viagra Best Commercial

Bad Breath Mistake

Joke For Women : "It's a guy thing"

Doctor Jokes : Three Nurses

Family Trip

Funny Game : Goodgame Mafia

Liver and cheese

The Power Of Make-up

Funny Quotes : Beautiful - Good - Ugly

Funny Sport Bloopers

Clean Joke : Survival Tips

God is watching

Finding Memo vs Found Memo

A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

Problem with Jeggings

Octopus Lovers Story

The Most Luck Man In the world

Are you Email Junkie ?

Childrean Jokes : Timmy's Cupcakes

Gabriel Iglesias - Drinking and Driving

New Year Prayer 2011

Dieting - New Year Resolutions

How Chinese Build Hotel in 6 Days?

Sophicated Earphone !

Types of Girlfriends

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

Sexy Bikini Girl Jumping `Belly Flop'

Did you understand me?

When Girl Orgasm on Bike

Fucking & Orgasm Car Alarm

The ghost of steel PRANK

Who to Marry ?

UFO Jokes - Unleaded Fuel Only

Naughty Jokes ...

Tiger Woods Walk on Water

All Nurses Go To Heaven

I Need A Raise and A Promotion !!

Messing With People In A Public Restroom

Car Show Jokes

Old Has Its Advantages

Love joke : A Bad Luck

Zoo Work

Psychology Experiment

Dog In Heat

How To Trick People ?

Facebook Joke

Cirousity Never Gets Old & Dead End

Fishing Joke

The Bathroom Door is Closed.

The Call...

The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Who You Gonna Call?

The Rules Of Indoor Badminton

Unique Tables

Want a day off work?

Weight Crash

Girls are like phones.

Suicide Blonde Goes To The Hospital!

H1N1 Jokes And Funny Song .

Caught Short - Romantic Jokes

One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he goes to pay the barber..."I'm sorry I cannot accept the money from you. I'm doing community service."
The florist is happy and leaves the shop.